The Drama Queen And The Carrot
by Dymond
Summary: It's like the lesbian version of The Princess And The Pea, with RENT characters. [MoJo]


**Warnings:** implied sex, cursing

**I do not own _RENT_.**

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**The Drama Queen And The Carrot**

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Once upon a time there lived a nice lawyer girl named Joanne Jefferson. Joanne worked hard every day and came home every night to an empty apartment. This made her sad, but she was so busy, it wasn't like she had time to go out and try to pick up girls.

Her mother was very worried about the fact that her daughter had no one, so she planned a grand spectacle to try and find her daughter a life partner. She had learned long ago that her daughter was indeed a lesbian and intended to embrace that part of her. Mrs. Jefferson decided that her Joanne couldn't have just any old girl; only a princess would be good enough.

Mrs. Jefferson sent out flyers and e-mails inviting any single, beautiful woman with royal blood to come to a lavish ball and sleepover.

When Joanne was informed of the plan she rolled her eyes, but agreed anyways, hoping this would get her mother off her back.

The night of the ball had finally arrived and the room Mrs. Jefferson had rented was filled with beautiful young women. Joanne wasn't having a particularly good time, as she couldn't walk three steps without getting asked to dance. She loved her mother, really, but sometimes…

Finally Joanne managed to stumble outside and away from all the crazy women. This was why she didn't date. Really.

Suddenly Joanne could hear raised voices from the direction of the main doors. She walked around to where she could see a woman arguing with the two bouncers her father had hired. The lawyer sucked in a breath. This woman was much prettier than any of the others in the ballroom.

"I swear it! I'm a freaking princess. Royal lineage and all that crap!" The woman stamped her foot and glared at the two guards.

They looked at each other. "You don't look like a princess," one of them said, gesturing to her ratty outfit.

"Well I am!"

Joanne took this as her cue to walk around the side of the building so they could see her. Immediately the bouncers straightened up and said, "Ms. Joanne! This street woman here was attempting to get in, but we wouldn't let her!"

The woman gave Joanne a look-over. "This whole party is for you?"

The lawyer nodded and immediately the woman dropped to her knees and begged, "Oh my God! I will do whatever you command, be your slave, a mere object with which you can do what you will, only don't send me away -- I couldn't bear it -- I cannot live without you."

Joanne raised an eyebrow. "You really need some place to stay tonight?" She nodded. "Come on. Let's get you in a dress; then you can go to the ball and spend the night."

The woman sighed in relief. "Thank you so much. My landlord just locked me out of my apartment. My name's Maureen by the way."

"It's nice to meet you, I'm Joanne if you hadn't already guessed. That was a good line by the way."

"Thanks. I read it in a book." The two women set off down the hallway, arm-in-arm. Once they were several feet away Maureen turned her head around and stuck her tongue out at the bouncers.

Joanne ended up spending the rest of the night with Maureen. The rest of the girls were very put off, as Joanne would only dance with Maureen and if they weren't dancing they were sitting, talking, and enjoying the spiked punch.

But since Mrs. Jefferson was still on this 'only a princess is good enough' hype, all the girls had to pass a single test that none of them even realized they were taking. Princesses have the most sensitive skin and could feel a pea through twenty mattresses. Well since peas were out of season at this time of the year, Mrs. Jefferson decided to use carrots instead.

So every room had twenty mattresses stacked in them and a carrot was placed underneath them to see if the princess could feel it as she slept on top of the mattresses.

The next morning as each girl ate breakfast, Mrs. Jefferson went around and discreetly asked each and every one of them how they slept. When every girl responded that they had slept wonderfully, she was beginning to lose faith that she would ever find a princess for her daughter until she came to the last girl, Maureen.

"How was your sleep, dear?" Mrs. Jefferson asked as she sat next to the brunette.

Maureen cringed. "It was like the worst sleep ever. What did you put under those mattresses, a pile of fucking bricks? My back is going to hurt forever, dammit."

Joanne's mother almost jumped for joy as she dismissed every other woman in the room, except for Maureen. She exclaimed that Joanne could marry Maureen and that this was going to be the most perfect couple.

While she was off making preparations, Maureen leaned over and whispered into Joanne's ear, "Do you think we should tell her I spent the whole night in your room and you just told me about the test?"

Joanne shook her head, "Nah," and kissed her new lover.

And they lived (mostly) happily ever after!

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**Words: **878

This was written for speedrent's 100th challenge. And the challenge was to choose three of the past challenges and combine them into one fic, so the three challenges I chose are:

Challenge 41: dance

Challenge 31: rewrite a fairy tale

Challenge 75: incorporate this line: _"Oh my God! I will do whatever you command, be your slave, a mere object with which you can do what you will, only don't send me away--I can't bear it--I cannot live without you."_

This was so much fun to write. Please review!

Dymond


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